Family
Feud
Part
5: Bulletproof… Yeah, Right!
Van was
sitting at Billie’s desk, nervously watching the clock on her computer as the
minutes slowly ticked away. Billie was almost never late for work, unless he had
done something to make her late like the itching powder a few days ago. But he
knew better. She was planning something, something really big, against him and
Deaq. Oh, there were so many possibilities; he really didn’t just want to pick
one. If he were Billie, they’d probably be sitting outside baking in the sun
with animal suits on, but that’s already been done, so next idea…
Van kept
staring at the clock, and waiting. The minutes ticked by so slow. He leaned
pretty far back in the chair thinking of the possibilities of what she was
planning. She wouldn't just sic Captain Parrish on them because that would just
be mean. What would she do?
"Van!"
Deaq came in the office and yelled. Van's eyes flew open.
Deaq's
voice startled him and threw off his balance. He started to tip back. It was a
little too late by the time he realized what was happening.
"Whoa,
shit!" Van yelled as he hit the floor.
Deaq
looked at what he had caused and laughed. "You okay man?” He asked
walking over to the other side of Billie's desk to help his partner up off the
floor. When he got there he continued to laugh.
"This
is not funny!" Van said getting up off the floor.
Deaq
stopped. "Okay, it's not funny. Seriously though, where the hell could
Billie be? She’s never late," Deaq replied seriously.
“I know,
that’s what’s freaking me out. What if she went all out trying to get us
back? What the hell is going all out?” Van started asking then heard the door
slam shut. He and Deaq looked in its direction to see Billie walking in, the
smile so big on her face that it was almost unnatural.
“Oh,
shit,” Van mumbled as his face went slack. She was definitely on the defense
this time.
“Hello,
boys!” Billie chirped as she stepped into the office. “How are you?”
Van and
Deaq looked at her funny. “Billie, are you alright?” Deaq asked.
“I’m
fine,” she replied.
“But
you’re happy,” Van pointed out.
“At least we know your observation skills are still working,” Billie retorted getting back into her usual mood. She knew she was giving off that danger vibe, and couldn’t risk her well planned attack getting foiled this late in the game. Hell, she spent nearly four days setting this up. She wasn’t about to let Dumb and Dumber screw it up. “What the hell are you two doing still standing around? Go do something!” she barked.
“That’s
the Billie I know,” Deaq replied happily, seeing that she was getting back to
her usual bitch mode. He and Van walked out of her office and started to busy
themselves with fixing odds and ends around the Candy Store. Van decided to tune
up one of the cars, calling Deaq over to help him every so often.
"I
think she was just trying to freak us out," Deaq answered.
"Are
you sure? We did get her pretty good. She could be planning something REALLY
big," Van told him worried.
“I wonder what really big means in her terms, like if it involves some kind of explosive or the entire police squad,” Deaq replied.
“Whatever
it is, I have a feeling that it’s gonna happen soon and it’s gonna be bad,
really bad,” Van said as he looked in Billie’s direction to see her bobbing
her head in time to some song she was playing off her computer. He inched his
way closer to her office, praying that she wouldn’t turn around suddenly and
see him, just to sneak a peek at what she was listening to in order to gauge her
mood.
“I’m a
bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a
saint. I don not feel the shame. I’m your hell, I’m your dream, I’m
nothing in between, you know you wouldn’t want it any other way,” Billie
sang along softly as she filled out her paperwork.
Van
retreated quickly, and gave Deaq a very scared look. “What, man?” he asked,
already knowing what he was going to say.
“She’s
listening to ‘Bitch,’” Van gravely replied. “And she’s singing
along.”
“Shit,
Van! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do!” Deaq was nearly frantic. The
magnitude of Billie’s venture into revenge was beyond anything they had ever
thought possible.
“I
suggest we sneak out of here NOW,” Van said as he ducked behind the car he had
been working on. He motioned for Deaq to follow him towards the back door where
they thought they’d make a clean exit. He was the first one to venture out
into the open, Deaq following several feet behind.
The men
fired five rounds on him and then called Billie on her cell to tell her the job
was done. Deaq ran out into the lot and rolled Van over. "Van! You
okay?" he asked.
"OW!"
Van moaned as lay on his back.
Billie
heard the screams coming from outside and stood from her chair, a wicked smile
coming across her face. Van had fallen for her plan so perfectly it almost made
her wish he had been a little smarter. But come on, she couldn't have
everything. She was just happy to get some payback for the tarring incident.
Billie came out of the Candy Store and looked at Van as she laughed. She walked
over to the guys with the weapons and shook their hands. They said their
goodbyes and went their separate ways.
"What
did you do to him?" Deaq yelled at her.
"Relax
the bullets were rubber,” Billie said still laughing.
Van wanted
to leap up and strangle her, but the numbing pain in his stomach, chest, arms,
legs, and ass was overwhelming, making him fall back down at every attempt he
made to get up. “I think I’m just gonna sit here a little while before I
even try to get up,” he told Deaq as he lay back on the concrete and stared up
at the blue sky in a daze.
“You
want some ice?’ Deaq asked.
“Yes,
please,” Van groaned.
Billie was
now inside, reveling in her own accomplishment as she sat down at her desk and
booted up her computer to check and make sure that the surveillance cameras
caught everything. She couldn’t wait to show everybody this tape. It was the
best revenge yet, especially since copies of her own little embarrassing moment
were quickly beginning to surface at the precinct. She knew the guys were
probably also behind that, but decided not to think about it any further. She
had extracted her revenge and was ready to move on to another case.
“Billie!”
she could hear Deaq’s voice echo through the Candy Store. Billie turned around
to see him making his way towards her office with a very angry glare in his
eyes. “Why is it that you love to hurt Van so much?” he asked.
“Whatever
do you mean?” Billie asked, mocking innocence.
“You
know exactly what I mean,” Deaq answered as he stared down at her. “Stop
acting like he’s a worthless piece of shit and tell me the truth. Do you have
feelings for him?”
Billie
looked away, unable to answer the question. How the hell could she tell Deaq she
had an enormous crush on Van? It was wrong. It was nuts. But it felt so right.
Oh, why did she have to be such a bitch towards him? It did send a pang of
regret deep within her to see him in so much pain, but she couldn’t help
herself. It was the only way she knew how to deal with problems. Finally, she
thought of the perfect line to feed him and keep her emotions in the dark. “I
do, but not the ones you’re thinking.”
“Bull
shit,” Deaq replied. “I’ve seen the way you two have been looking at each
other. I know you wanna tell him. Why don’t you stop the childish pranks and
do it? It’ll be so much easier on all of us.”
“Don’t
try to get me to admit something that’s not true,” Billie snapped as she
narrowed her eyes at him.
Deaq knew
to back off at that moment or he’d be worse off than Van. “Alright, Billie.
Keep it all bundled up inside, but when something really horrible happens to
Van, I hope it’s not too late,” he said, walking out of her office towards
the fridge in the lounge to grab the ice he had promised Van.
Billie sat
there in her chair contemplating what Deaq had just told her. She knew sooner or
later she’d have to face the music and finally get this off her chest. But
there was something in his voice that made her want to do it this second. It was
almost an ominous tone that scared her to death thinking it could possibly be
true. What if something bad really did happen to Van? Could she live with
herself not telling him what she really felt?
Shaking
the thoughts out of her head, Billie quickly became angry. This wasn’t
supposed to be happening to her. Oh, she was pissed at Deaq now. She’d get her
revenge tomorrow though. She wanted to let everything sink in today.
Deaq
walked back outside carrying a bag of ice. Van had managed to sit up on his own,
propped up against the wall, but the pain he felt was almost unbearable. Pulling
up his shirt, he could see the black and blue welts appearing on his chest and
stomach. His arms and legs were the same way. This week was definitely going to
be hell on earth for him. He only prayed that Billie would let him go home for
the rest of the day to recover. Van was more than happy to see Deaq arrive with
the ice.
“Billie
is such a bitch,” Van said after catching the ice and placing it wherever he
was sore. He winced feeling the cold against his skin, but was glad it was
there. As the pain lessened, he began to relax a little, continuing to use the
wall as his support. Deaq sat down next to him, a worried look on his face.
“If
Billie could do this to you, I’m afraid of what she’ll do to me,” he told
Van with a sigh.
“Don’t
worry, she’ll probably go easy on you since she likes you more that me. Unless
you count the Alexa thing, but seriously, you don’t piss her off as much as I
do,” Van replied, letting the ice pack fall onto a very purple welt near his
thigh.
“That’s
bull shit,” Van vehemently denied. “That’s got to be the biggest load of
crap to come from your mouth in a long time. There is no way, no possible way,
that I could ever like Billie as more than just a friend. Remember what I told
you? She’s the hottest chick I never wanna have sex with.”
Deaq shook
his head, quickly rejecting the answer. “Whatever you say, Van,” he replied
with a chuckle. “But if I ever catch you staring at Billie for no apparent
reason, you’d better tell me the truth.”
“Yeah,
right,” Van retorted. “No way.”
A thick
silence fell between them as Van began to contemplate his true feelings towards
Billie. He was enjoying pulling all these childish pranks on her, especially all
the little things she did to get him back, not the ones that left him reeling,
but the tiny things, like the shaving cream can. That was another experience he
had enjoyed, moreover the part where he held her in his arms. That moment had
left him a bit bewildered. It felt so right holding Billie that he didn’t want
to let her go. If only Deaq hadn’t shown up at that critical moment, maybe
then…
And then
there was Twister. They had been so close he could have kissed her. It was more
like he should have kissed her. Billie had been reluctant to get off him, giving
Van the impression that his efforts hadn’t been in vain. There was a definite
attraction there, and he had just begun to play on it. In time, maybe he’d
have her right where he wanted her. Maybe…
Van
quickly shook the thought of what would have been and what could be out of his
head. He had to keep his relationship with Billie strictly at a professional
level; otherwise, potential problems would start to rear their ugly heads.
That’s the last thing he wanted. But what if she was feeling the same way
about him? As that though began to brew in Van’s head, Deaq stood up.
“Come
on, man. We have to get back inside. And you need to see a doctor to make sure
none of those rubber bullets his more than just skin,” he said, extending his
hand so that Van could grab it. When they walked back in, Billie quickly
dismissed them, telling Van he could recover for the rest of the day. As for
Deaq, she didn’t really say much, but he could almost see the wheels cranking
in her head. Tomorrow, his number was being called, and there was no way he’d
get out of it.
The next
day went by well. Billie was late…again. She had stopped by the precinct to
ask another favor of her SWAT buddies. Deaq was getting it today; she was even
dressed for the occasion. Billie was wearing all black; black dress, black
boots, black everything. She grabbed the bean bag gun, said her goodbyes and ran
out the door to her car.
Back at
the Candy Store, Deaq was sitting in Billie's office when Van came limping in
through the door. He walked like he'd gotten hit in the balls with a cannon.
Deaq almost fell out of the chair trying not to laugh when he thought of that.
"Where
is the little witch?" Van asked in a pitiful voice.
"Late.
You think she's gonna do something else?" Deaq replied, looking at the
clock. It was almost
Billie
screeched into the parking lot. She had decided to make a lot of noise for
effect. ‘I hope the guys heard that,’ she thought a grin coming across her
face. She jumped out of the car and headed inside. "Morning boys!" she
shouted in a cheery voice as she walked inside.
Deaq
jumped out of her chair and leapt out of her office. "Billie, where you
been?!" Deaq said anxiously.
"Oh,
just got a little behind this morning. So, let's get to work!" she said.
"Where the hell is Van?!" she yelled going back into her usual bitch
mode.
Deaq was
comfortable now, she wasn't being overly happy today. "He's upstairs
recovering from the injuries you inflicted on him yesterday!" Deaq answered
snidely.
"Well,
tell him to get his black and blue ass down here now!" she barked and sent
him off.
“I’m
coming!” Van yelled from the bottom of the stairs as he hobbled towards her
office.
When
Billie heard his voice, she turned around to see him walking like he’d just
gotten kicked in the balls. She started to laugh, subtly at first, then roaring
as he got closer. Oh, this was definitely something she was going to remember.
“It’s
NOT FUNNY!” Van shouted. He was more than pissed at her now. All he wanted to
do was go over to Billie and beat that snide smile off her face for all the shit
she had managed to pull on him. But, GOD! She looked good in that dress and
those knee high hooker boots. How could he want to kill something so beautiful?
Van settled for his revenge tactics. He’d get her back, somehow. He’d just
have to figure it out.
“Yes, it
is,” Billie giggled, her face straightening slightly as she pulled herself
together.
“This is
not over,” Van growled as he started to hobble towards the lounge. All he
wanted to do now was sit down and rest his poor battered body.
“Where
do you think you’re going?” Billie sharply replied, prompting Van to stop
dead in his tracks. She wasn’t done with him yet. “Do me a favor. Get your
sorry ass outside and grab the stuff out of my car. It’s too heavy for me to
carry.
“Why
can’t you get Deaq to do it?” Van protested.
“Because
I said so, now GO!” she barked. Van knew not to mess with her or he’d
probably be in a body cast the next day. He did as he was told, but he didn’t
have to like it. While Van was gone Billie went to the basketball court where
Deaq was shooting baskets. "Ya know Deaq, you aren't out of the woods
yet," she said point blank.
Deaq
stopped dribbling and looked at her. "I know. Just do it and get it over
with," he told her.
"But
that wouldn't be as much fun," Billie pouted with a slick smile on her
face. "Maybe a bowling ball will do it," she said and looked at him.
"What
do you mean a bowling ball? What are you gonna do to me?" Deaq asked. He
was getting paranoid now. Images of Billie knocking his head off his shoulders
ran through Deaq’s mind. He shuddered and put the image out of his head.
Billie saw
this and smiled. "See ya later Deaq!" she said and walked away.
Van had
returned to Billie’s office carrying a heavy case in one hand and a lighter
bag in the other. He was beginning to wonder what the hell she had in there.
“Here’s your shit,” he said, putting the stuff down on her nearly empty
desk. “Happy?”
“Yes,
thank you,” Billie sweetly replied, batting her eyes as Van slowly made his
way out of her office. He was tempted to give her the finger, but resisted,
fearing that whatever she was gonna do to Deaq today would fall upon him if he
didn’t tread lightly.
Billie
went around and sat on her desk, hiking her dress up to mid thigh. "Van,
come here," she said.
Van
stopped, sighed, and turned around. "What do you want..." He stopped
when he saw her sitting on the desk. ‘Damn, she looks good!’ he thought. He
walked back and just stared at her. There was she was sitting you could almost
see down her shirt. He tried not to stare, but it was near impossible.
"You
sure you'll be okay today?" she asked running her fingers along his arm
lightly. Van caught his breath; he couldn't believe this was happening!
"Huh?" he said.
She jumped
off the desk and straightened out her short skirt. "Oh, never mind! You can
go now!" She said. He looked shocked for a second and she shooed him out
her office.
Van
hobbled away, awestruck by what had just happened in Billie’s office. Had she
really been hitting on him? Or was she just pushing his buttons? Whatever it
was, it had made Van feel a
“DEAQ!”
Billie yelled at the top of her lungs, scaring anyone and everyone within a 100
mile radius. Van nearly jumped out of his chair, but when he realized what was
about to happen, he smirked and sat back down, watching as Deaq made his way
towards her office, his head down, expecting the worst.
“Yeah,
Billie, what is it?” he asked.
“Could
you wait here just a moment? I need to get something,” she replied, grabbing
the case and the bag and heading upstairs to the balcony. Deaq sat down in a
chair and waited for her.
All the
while, Billie opened the case as she perched herself in the perfect position for
a clear shot at Deaq’s head. She pulled out the bean bag gun and loaded it
with the ammo in the bag. She aimed and fired.
Deaq heard
the shot and quickly turned around to see where it had come from. Suddenly,
something flew right past his face almost hitting square in the forehead. He
jumped and ducked behind Billie’s desk. She cursed loudly, not having hit her
target, and aimed again. She wasn’t going to let him get away that easy.
Billie refocused and fired once more.
“Billie,
are you NUTS?” Deaq was now yelling, the bean bag flying over his head yet
again. “What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?”
She wanted
badly to retort, but decided to leave that until she had actually hit him. She
took aim once more, and this time when she fired, she hit her mark. “HA!”
Billie screamed. “Third time’s the charm!”
Deaq felt
the bean bag belt him in the back of the head and reeled from the impact,
quickly falling over on the ground, the sound of Van’s laughter filling his
ears. Deaq slowly got up from the floor, he stood and looked around to make sure
no guns were aimed at him. "Billie! Are you crazy? You could have killed
me!" he yelled at her.
"With
a bean bag?! Give me a fucking break you sorry ass drama queen!" she
shouted back.
Van
continued to laugh at this little exchange. "Dude! This is NOT funny!"
Deaq yelled as he picked up a bean bag and lobbed it in his direction. Van
quickly caught it before it hit his head.
“I’m
sorry,” he chuckled. “That was just too funny. Sorry ass drama queen! HA!”
“Sorry
ass drama queen… I’ll give you sorry ass drama queen,” Deaq mumbled as he
walked over to the fridge and grabbed a pack of ice. That’s when he noticed
the expired tub of whipped cream. He quickly opened it and walked back over to
where Van was sitting, unsuspecting of what was about to happen to him. Deaq
snuck up behind him and with a quick flick of his wrist, the contents of the
container spilled over Van’s head.
“What
the…” Van yelled as he shot up out of his seat and began to chase Deaq
around the Candy Store as Billie watched from her perch high up over their
heads. She laughed until her sides hurt as the antics continued. Van was gonna
get Deaq back for what he had pulled; there was no doubt in his mind about that.
“Get
back here!” he was yelling as he chased Deaq around the entire showroom floor
until he finally had him cornered. Van grabbed a can of motor oil off the hood
of one of the cars and uncapped it. With Deaq backed up into a corner, he had
the advantage. Van poured the entire bottle over his partner’s head without
remorse. “That’s for the whipped cream!” Van barked, wiping the white
stuff that dripped down his face. It was now that the previous pain he was in
was finally getting to him.
Van
hobbled into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet as he tried to wipe the
white goo off his head and clothes, but only managed to get a small portion of
it. Billie had come back down, her work finally done and the gun put away safely
so the guys couldn’t find it even if they tried. She walked into the bathroom
and kneeled down beside Van.
“Need
some help?” she asked, her blue eyes locking with his. Van just stared at her
trying to figure out if it was a game or if she truly meant it this time.
"No game. No tricks. You need some help?" Billie asked again, grabbing
a few paper towels and helping him with the goo out of his hair.
“Thank
you,” Van replied softly, feeling a bit odd by what was happening. Why was she
all of a sudden helping him? It boggled his mind, but he enjoyed every minute of
it.
“You’re
welcome,” Billie said as she stood up and threw the dirty towels into the
waste basket. “I mean, I did after all almost kill you. It’s the least I can
do to make it up to you. That and what you did to Deaq was pretty funny.”
Van
smiled. They struck a common ground there. "Yeah, you did almost kill me.
And it was funny," he said, looking up sheepishly.
Billie
looked into those lovely eyes and couldn't believe what she saw. Van wasn't
plotting what to do to her next. Boy, this situation sure felt weird to her. She
knew she better get out of it. "Well, I better get back to work. Why don't
you go in the lounge and lay down a bit?" she said and walked out.
“I’m
going to,” Van replied as soon as he ran his head beneath the faucet to wash
out the remaining sticky goo. He slipped off his shirt and threw it into the
sink to wash it off, grabbing the spare he now kept behind the door just in case
something like this ever happened, which seemed to be a lot more frequently now.
Billie sat
down at her desk and stretched in her chair. Out of the corner of her eye, she
caught Van stepping out of the bathroom shirtless. Her eyes immediately wandered
in his direction as she “innocently” checked him out. Billie sighed. He was
definitely nice to look at even if she’d probably do nothing more than just
look. Oh, if only she could have her way with him for one night… one night and
maybe things could possibly change for the better.
‘Nah,’ Billie thought as she shook her head. ‘Never going to happen.’ It was about time that she started plotting her revenge for the next time Van tried to get her back.