Chapter 21: Tonight And The Rest Of My Life

            Chance stared out her window into the back yard where Darren was playing fetch with Brutus. Her eyes moved away from them and to the golden and red leaves of the trees beyond. They were so calm, so peaceful; she couldn’t remember the last time she had looked at them. It made her think about life, and how hers was so messed up. Scott’s funeral was that day, but Chance didn’t want to go, fearing that she’d burst into tears and not be able to sit through the ceremony.

            Darren looked up to her window and saw her standing there with a blank stare in her eyes. He knew she was still upset. Who wouldn’t be after seeing someone die? He felt for her even though she never acknowledged him for it. Darren threw the stick to Brutus and began to head back into the house. He didn’t want to leave Chance alone, especially now.

            Chance moved away from the window and began to walk out of her room. She made it halfway down the hall before stopping at the door that led to her parents’ room. No one had stepped foot inside that room for over a year, but she had the urge to go in and take one look. Her hand began to reach for the knob before she realized what she was doing. Chance kept her hand held out, debating whether or not to go inside. Her curiosity got to the best of her, and she took hold of the knob. Slowly opening the door, the scent of cedar filled her nostrils. She stepped into the white room leaving the door open behind her.

            Chance looked around the room, memories of her past and her parents flooding her mind. Old family photos hung on all the walls, and the four-post bed was still covered in the same white comforter as she could remember. A thick layer of dust covered everything, and as she walked around, it stirred up into the air making her cough. Chance stopped dead in her tracks when she looked over at the dresser across from the bed. There was a small gold locket sitting there beneath the dust. She knew who’s it was, and went to pick it up. It had been the locket her mother had passed down from her grandmother. Her hands trembled when she tried opening it. Finally getting the locket undone, Chance looked inside to see the picture of her on one side and a picture of her father on the other.

            A choking feeling made Chance drop the locket and run out of the room. Her stomach doubled over on itself, causing her to feel nauseous and lightheaded. She ran straight for her bathroom and fell to her knees next to the toilet. Chance lost her lunch before she knew it. The pain she had almost forgotten when her parents died had come back. She sat down on the floor and began to cry.

            Darren could hear Chance’s muffled sobs as he walked up the stairs. He headed for her room and walked in slowly so not to startle her. When he found her in the bathroom, he sat down beside her and asked, “Chance, what’s wrong?”

            Chance didn’t respond, afraid that if she opened her mouth, everything that Dan had told her would spill out. Just looking at him was hard. Those eyes were always so warm, so beautiful, so convincing, Chance had to look away to keep from getting herself sucked into another black hole. She refused to believe that Darren was in love with her even though all the signs were so clear. Chance curled up into a little ball on the cold white marble floor holding her knees close to her chest.

            “Chance, say something,” Darren softly pleaded. He reached for her arm, but she quickly moved away. “What’s wrong?”

            As much as Chance wanted the comfort of his arms wrapped around her, she refused to surrender herself to Darren. He was the last person she wanted to be with right now. The calm, soothing tone in his voice was making it even harder for her to ignore him.

            “Please, speak to me. It’s frightening to see you like this. Are you angry at me?” he kept questioning. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

            Chance turned her head and said coldly, “Yes, you can leave. You’re not welcome here anymore.”

            Darren could feel his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. “What have I done to upset you like this?” Chance turned her head around so that it rested on her arms. “All I ask for is a reason. Was it something I did? Was it something I said?”

            Chance couldn’t bear to sit and listen to Darren when she knew that everything she did was hurting him. Unable to contain herself, she finally yelled, “It was something you didn’t say. I had to hear it from Dan. You lied to me.”

            “What did I lie to you about?”

            “You lied to me about that fight you had with him.”

            Darren suddenly knew that his secret had been discovered. He lowered his head, ashamed that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell Chance what he felt for her. An uneasy silence settled over the room soon after.

            Chance spoke up, a large lump forming in her throat, “Why couldn’t you tell me that you loved me?”

            Darren was unable to answer for a few minutes. He tired to look at her and tell her the truth, but seeing the tears in her eyes made him feel even more hurt inside. With his head and eyes down, he said, “I was afraid.”

            “Get the hell out of my house, and get the hell out of my life. You’re the cause of all this. Just leave, and never come back,” Chance hissed. She turned away to keep from seeing the pain in his eyes.

            Darren stood up and walked out of her room. In a few minutes, he was packed and ready to leave. He called a cab to pick him up and take him to a hotel in the city. Chance watched from the parlor as the cab rolled into the street and headed for the main road. She stood there for hours just staring out the window, her world in shambles. She had just let go of everything that had hurt her, but somehow it hurt her even more now that Darren was out of her life.

            Chance stayed home for the rest of the day, unable to manage going to the funeral by herself. She needed someone who would sit beside her and comfort her when she couldn’t take it anymore. Unfortunately for her, he was gone, and she was even more depressed.

~~~~~~~~~~

            Nearly a week passed since Darren had left Chance for New York City. He quickly found a little place near Times Square. It was on the forth floor of an okay apartment complex. The door locked and the windows closed, and that was pretty much all he was looking for in a good place. Buying only the necessities, as in food, water, a bed, and two chairs, Darren felt comfortable in his new home.

            The apartment was small, only having one bedroom, one living area/kitchen, and a tiny bathroom. In the living area was a large window that faced the back alley. Darren would sit there every night watching the people below walking aimlessly down the narrow street. Occasionally a car or truck would pass through, dropping off passengers and supplies to the small shops opposite the complex.

            After the third day had gone by slowly, Darren began to think of Chance. He wanted his life to be the way it had been before she had ever entered it. It was so much less complicated back then. There weren’t as many feelings and emotions running through his head. But if it weren’t for Chance, Darren never would have learned to love again. It was she who had single handedly stolen his heart, but he had made the mistake in not telling her. Instead, he toiled with fate, and ended up hurting her beyond belief.

            “What have I done?” Darren asked himself, realizing that she was right. It was all his fault. He stood up and grabbed his jacket from one of the chairs, then began to run out of the small apartment. He had a plan, and this time, he wasn’t going to be pushed away.

~~~~~~~~~~

            Chance sat in her rec room, relaxing on the couch that Monday night waiting for “Roswell” to start. She had missed nearly half the season, but was determined to make that up. Thankfully her VCR had been preset to every day it was on and recorded all the missed shows. As Chance waited for the program to start, she could hear something banging on her window from the outside. At first she thought it was some bird that had flown onto the windowsill, but the sound kept coming until she stood up to see what was down there.

            Opening the window, Chance yelled, “Darren! What the hell are you doing here?”

            “Don’t close the window on me, I need to talk to you,” he pleaded as he looked up to her.

            Chance didn’t stand around any longer. She didn’t care about what Darren had to say to her. She slammed the window closed and sat back down on her couch to watch “Roswell.” All of a sudden she could her the sound of loud music being played outside. Chance make her way back to the window to see what Darren was doing.

            “I've found a long way back to sanity again. Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there... Take a breath and hold on tight and spin around one more time and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace,” Darren sang out to her.

            “'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say, and even if you don't wanna speak tonight that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing. It's where I wanna be, yeah, where I wanna be...” Chance opened her window again to listen to the song.

            “I'm looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head. God, which one’s you? Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me one more time.”

            “'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say and even if you don't wanna speak tonight that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing. It's where I wanna be, yeah-ah...”

            “I don't want a thing from you. I bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground... 'Cause I just wanna be here now...”

            “'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say and even if you don't wanna speak tonight that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing. It's where I wanna be, yeah...”

            “'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say and even if you don't wanna speak tonight that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing. It's where I wanna be, yeah. Where I wanna be... Where I wanna be...”

            Chance stood at the window unable to speak. The words had been taken out of her mouth when she realized that he was singing about her. Darren stood below the window and looked up at her to see if she would shut him out again. Instead, she threw down a rope ladder for him. Darren climbed up the wobbly steps into her room. She stood back and stared at him for a while.

            “I came over here tonight to apologize for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you in any way. You were right when you said everything was my fault. It took me this long to realize it. I want to make up for everything, and just start anew. Will you let me back into your life so I can do that, and you can get to know me all over again?” Darren said as he took Chance’s hands.

            “Just promise me you won’t say you love me until you’re really sure,” she replied.

            “I promise,” he responded. Chance let go of his hands and wrapped her arms around his neck. She closed her eyes and softly began to cry. Darren rocked her back and forth, comforting her in the only way he could. She let go, and then they sat down on the couch to watch TV.

            Darren ran his fingers through her Chance’s silky black hair. She laid her head in his lap and stretched her legs out on the couch. Her mind was racing, as was her heart. There was so much pain and anger built up behind her weak smile that she didn’t know what to do next. Her heart told her that she should stick around for a little while longer and see how things panned out while her mind told her that she shouldn’t let this stop her from being with her parents and Scott.

            Chance closed her eyes trying hard to keep from thinking about it all. “Roswell” was almost over, and Darren, thinking that Chance had fallen asleep, picked her up and carried to her room. She opened her eyes and watched him as he pulled the covers over her body.

            “Good night,” Darren whispered, bending down and kissing her forehead.

            Chance took his hand and said, “Don’t go.” It was her last ditch effort to decide what she would to tomorrow.

            “Okay,” he replied, laying beside her. She wrapped her arm around Darren and closed her eyes again. He pulled her closer, comforted that she had accepted him into her life again. Without having anything to fear in the morning, he dozed off beside her.

            Chance stayed up and watched him as he slept. ‘How can I give this up?’ she thought as her fingers ruffled through his dark hair. ‘Easy, you’ll get to see your parents and Scott again,’ her other little voice replied.