Chapter
41: Goodbye To You
Day One:
Hi, I’m Chance Malone, or at least that’s the name my “parents” gave me. I really don’t know who I am anymore. It seems as if everything these days is a lie. I just found out I was adopted and that my real sister was my best friend. I still find it hard to believe everything that’s happened in my life. It all started when I was very young. You see, my parents named me Chance because they said I was their big chance at parenting. I didn’t really know what that meant until now. I finally found out the truth behind my name. The ugly, disgusting truth, something I never wanted to hear. I should have known, but no, I never doubted for a second my parents were my biological parents. I was so blind that I didn’t see I looked nothing like mother nor my father. I keep asking myself why I didn’t realize this earlier, why I didn’t ask any questions. I don’t think I’ll ever know, but I just don’t care anymore. My parents are dead. They’ve been dead for three years. I’m not going back to my past to realize my future. I already know what is it. Loneliness. No more Darren, no more Dan, no more Shiri, no more anyone. I might be telling myself I’m going on a spiritual journey to try and find my faith, but I’m really looking for somewhere new to be. A place where I’m not known. A place where I can just fade in with the other people. I don’t really know where this trip is gonna take me. I think I’m flying just about Europe right now. Tibet is my destination. People say that’s the best place to go when you can’s believe in God anymore. Don’t get me wrong; I do believe in God, I just don’t trust Him anymore. Not after all the crazy fucked up things that have happened to me in the last few years.
What the hell am I saying? I’m taking this trip to get away from my problems. I don’t need to be adding to them at the moment. I should be enjoying myself as I fly past all these new worlds. But there’s something in the back of my mind that keeps me from doing so. No matter how far away I am from America, my problems will always follow. They’ll always linger at the back of my mind as a reminder of what I left behind.
Of course I loved Darren. There was no doubt in my mind about that. All signs pointed in his direction. I might have been a little hard on him, but there’s no way I’ll ever forgive him for what he’s done to me. I can’t believe that he went along with Dan and Shiri and had me take that blood test. I should have known. What was I thinking?
ENOUGH! I don’t wanna talk about my problems anymore. My mind is already filled with strange ideas. I don’t need to be adding to them. Uh! This is so hard to get through. I might as well have tried to kill myself again, but that would have gotten me back to square one. Maybe this is the right thing to do. Take a little time off and see what I can accomplish by my self. Who knows, I just might sort all this shit out someday.
Day Seven:
Okay, I took a little detour. I’m in Serbia right now at my parents old home. It’s really pretty out here. It’s so warm too. The mountains are absolutely beautiful. I wish Darren were here. Oh… shit. I just had to mention him, didn’t I? What is wrong with me? Do I really miss him that much, or is it just habit? Whatever it is, I’d better stop it. He was one of the reasons I left the US. I don’t need to be bringing up old problems and creating havoc in my mind. I need to relax and figure out what to do with my life.
As I was saying, I’m in Serbia at my parents’ summer home. It’s a really big old mansion, probably from some time around the First World War. I don’t know too much about history. I never really like that subject. It was too boring. But anyway, it’s really nice out here. I’m meeting some of my relatives. My grandmother is really cool. She keeps telling me to speak the language, but not having spoken it in so long kinda makes it hard to remember, you know? Oh, well, at least I understand what she’s trying to tell me. That’s all that counts. I’ve been here for about three days now. I’m leaving tomorrow for my real destination, Tibet. My grandmother doesn’t know that, though. I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m going back on my Orthodox teachings. I’m afraid she just might kick me out of the house if I do. Then I’d be screwed. Oh, well…
So many questions have been going through my mind these last three days. What’s going to happen once my grandmother finds out that I’m adopted? Where will I go on summer vacations and whatnot? Why did all this happen to me? That’s the most frequent question that keeps surfacing in my mind. Why me? There has got to be some kind of explanation for all of this, but where am I gonna find it? When am I gonna find it? Will it hit me like a rock in the forehead, or will it be subtle and come slowly? Well, how it comes, I don’t care. When it comes, I’m hoping soon. That way, I can get along with my life and not have to worry anymore. That’s the only thing I’m looking for. Some closure on this thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I might never get any closure. But then again, that’s the whole point of this trip, figuring it all out even if it means spending the rest of my life as a nomad. I’ve begun to accept it somehow, but it still festers in the back of my mind. When will it ever stop?
Day 28:
I can’t sleep. The floor is way too hard. I wish I were in my own bed, and not on this hard, cold floor in the monastery. I’m in Tibet now. I finally made it. I took a few more detours on my way out here. I went to Italy, Greece, and Germany. I didn’t have much time to write because I’d either be too tired to write, or I’d be out too late.
Anyway, I’ve been here at the monastery for a week now. The monks are pretty cool. Some of them actually speak English, so they’re helping me understand what I’m being taught. I think my favorite part about this experience is the meditation sessions. They calm me down so much after a rough day of praying and whatnot. I just sit in a corner for hours on end and buzz out. It’s very relaxing. So is the yoga. Yeah, yoga. You don’t think monks don’t do it? Come on, it’s the coolest thing. I’m in great shape now that I’ve become so accustomed to it. At the beginning it was quite hard, and I after the first night I thought I was going to fall over and die, but that all changed after the next few nights. Besides, it’s the only means of physical fitness out here. I’m NOT about to go outside in the blistering cold and have a run. With my luck, I’d be swept away by the winds. They’re so strong up here. I don’t know how I made it. My guide was pretty cool. He helped me climb the mountain. He also spoke English. He wasn’t that open though. I didn’t mind. I was more than thankful that he didn’t ask me what I was doing out here.
So, you really wanna know what I do all day? Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve got one teacher that helps me learn what Tibetan Buddhism is. He’s one of the few that speak English. He’s also teaching me the language so I can pray with the monks three times a day and recite sacred texts. I find them really enlightening. (But I have no idea what they mean.) Okay, call me an idiot, but I’ve only been here for a few days, it’s not like I can learn everything in that amount of time. It’s no wonder that I’m at the bottom of the hierarchy. That and I’m a woman. Most of the guys in the place have never even seen a woman, so it’s really weird to be around them. But they treat me equally, so I don’t ever complain, unless it’s the food. All I’ve eaten in the last few days was rice, and frankly, I’m getting really sick of it. I need some variety! I wish I were back home. Damn! There I go again! Stop it, Chance! It was your choice to come here, so stop your bitching.
All right, where was I? Oh, yeah… What I’ve learned so far. Quite a lot actually. I’ve learned how to control some of my emotions. I’ve learned to be friendlier through meditation. It seems like every time I meditate, I reach a higher plane of self-awareness. It’s so… I don’t know. I’m just totally addicted to this stuff like someone who is addicted to pot. I just want to reach a higher high, as weird as that sounds. I can feel myself getting closer to unlocking the truth behind my life. Maybe if I meditate a little more, I just might see the light. You know what I mean? I can’t explain the state of mind that I reach when I’m in my own little world. No one bothers me; no one can reach me, unless I descend back to earth and reality. I’m not saying that I can’t hear people; I’m saying that I choose not to listen to them at the moment.
But, anyway, I’m pretty sure the monks are really patient out here when I’m meditating and they need to speak to me. They just sit and wait until I’m done, then they speak to me. See what I mean by them treating me as equals. I do the same. You know, the golden rule; treat others as you want to be treated. Great proverb. Too bad I have no idea where it comes from.
Okay, I can feel my eyes getting really heavy. I’d better stop now or I’m gonna fall asleep with my notebook open, and I sure as hell don’t want that to happen. It’s bad enough I’m a woman in a monastery, the last thing I need is to find one of my teachers reading my private stuff.
Day 58:
I can’t believe I just made it though a month at the monastery. I can’t believe I’m leaving. I can’t believe I actually realized that the things in my life were actually planned out. I think I figured out that there is a master plan that God has made for every person on the planet. It took me a while to figure that out, but when I did, it hit me like that rock I was telling you about.
You see, I was in the middle of a meditation session when it happened. I could have sworn that I saw that light. There was nothing like it. All the colors were so beautiful. It was then that I saw the events of my life fitting together like a puzzle. Each one was matched up like cause and effect. For example (and excuse me if this sounds like an essay), I got my part on “Roswell” to get to know Shiri a little better, and when I did, everything came into place by finding out she was my sister. I actually did feel something more than friendship between us, but I didn’t realize it was blood. Oh, and another example, I won that contest on MTV to meet Darren and ultimately fall in love with him. Those dreams that I had about his death were a warning form God to stop thinking about Scott, and when I did, Darren got better from his illness. He’s been there through thick and thin, through all the shit that I’ve thrown at him, and never once did he leave me. Did he also realize that we were meant to be together? If he did, then I hope he still wants me back. If he doesn’t, then I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t really thought about this. It’s hard to imagine what life has been like for him these last two months. It won’t be too long before I see him again. God, I hope he’s home when I get there. That reminds me, I’d better call Steve to tell him to pick me up from the airport. I’m not about to sit there and wait, potentially exposing myself to reporters and question and all that shit. I’m not about to answer any of their stupid questions.
I wonder what my life will be like now that I’m leaving my new home. Will it be the same as it was before? I seriously doubt that. With all the teachings I’ve learned, it’s going to be so much better. I think I’ll be able to accept things more easily, and I’ll be more laid back with what I wanna do. I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t changed at all. Maybe I’ll be the same person that escaped and all those feelings I felt before will come back. I just won’t know until it happens. That’ll be my true test. If I fail, then I’ll start all over again and come back to this place. If I pass, then I know I’ll be a better person. I’ll see when I reach LA.