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Faith
Break
“Why do things always have to get so fucked up? I mean, here I am, about two
and a half months from dying, and all I wanna do is stay alive. What’s going
on here? Just a few months ago I was okay with the idea of dying, but Darren
just had to walk back into my life, didn’t he? Then he had to go and tell me
that he loved me. Can my life get any worse? Yes. I love him too. So, what am I
gonna do now you ask? I don’t know. I’ll get back to you when I figure it
out myself.
“I’m supposed to go home today, but I really don’t want to. I can’t
stand being anywhere near Darren or Morgan. They are the two biggest assholes in
the whole world for doing this to me. Are they really trying to kill me before
my time? Do they really hate me that much? Look at me; I don’t even know what
I’m saying. I think I have gone insane. I really need to take a break.
“I should take a trip, somewhere far away from here, away from everyone. Maybe
I’ll go to a small island in the Pacific. Hawaii. Yeah, that sounds like a
nice place. I’ll leave school, tell my parents what’s going on, and finally
tell them to fuck off and get off my back about it. Right, like I would actually
say that. Ha! I’d get shot and killed!
“Maybe it’s about time that I came to terms with who I really was back in
high school. I know I was shallow. I know I was a bitch. And I know I was
totally self-centered. Just look at what I took pride in, popularity! Can a
person get anymore shallow than that? Actually, yes. I’ve been lying to myself
all this time. I didn’t realize that I needed to start looking inward until
the cancer struck me again. I wish I had figured this out a little sooner. Maybe
then I might have been able to say I was sorry to a few more people and come to
terms with my problems. I should have gotten help for my drug abuse, but I was
so stubborn. At least Darren tried to help me…
“Darren… Here I go again. There has to be some way to make him stop loving
me. I just hope I can do it soon enough. I really don’t want him cornering me
in a situation where he can easily tell me that he loves me and I can respond
the same way. I don’t know what I would do if that happened. Maybe I would
actually get past all this and not feel bad, and maybe I won’t. I’ll find
out when I cross that bridge.”
Chapter 20: A Deeper Meaning Of Love
Chapter 19: Why Did You Have To Love Me?
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