If Only

Rating: PG

Characters: Darren and Nikka

Summary: Nikki finds herself torn after a horrible accident that took the life of the only man she had ever loved. Has love left her bare and cold?

Music: None.

Author’s Note: Nothing much to say here. I was just drafting this in my Creative Writing class and wanted to share it with everyone.

Feedback/Comments: Send everything to Dmmuzicfan@aol.com

So, onto the fic...

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Nikka slowly picked her way through the hundreds of people dancing around her. The frown on her face made it evident to them that she wasn't enjoying herself. She finally found a small opening among the gyrating bodies and squeezed her way through it towards the long rectangular table in the far left corner of the room. Her first instinct was the pick up one of the tall, upside down red plastic cups and pour herself a beer from the keg beside them, but soon realized that getting hammered would get her nowhere. Instead of beer, Nikka opted for one of the tiny chocolate chip cookies also set on the table.

She knew eating her way through her depression wasn't the right path to be taking, but she didn't care at the moment about what she did. She stared at the dancing bodies still moving to the thumping beat as she mindlessly picked up cookie after cookie and stuffed them into her mouth. Her hollow hazel eyes searched the crowd for him, but she knew he wasn't going to be there. He had gone to a far better place, somewhere where there were no parties or beer or drinking or cookies. Somewhere much happier than this hellhole.

'Why did Vlad have to drag me here?' Nikka asked herself as her gaze fell upon the bodies on the dance floor. Vlad was her best friend. They had been friends ever since the third grade and now even through high school. He had made her go out that night saying that it might help her get over him, but it was only making her feel worse. And eating the cookies wasn't helping her either. She felt as if her body was on autopilot and she couldn't turn it off. She'd go through her day trying not to think about what had happened those few months back, but the memories were far too strong for her to let go of. Each one was a painful reminder, especially this one. He had always loved parties and she had always loved going to them. It was there that they had their first kiss and their first dance, and it was there that they had decided on their song, Sarah McLachlan's "I Love You."

"Nikka, get out here and dance! I didn't bring you along to just sit around like a wallflower," Vlad called to her from the dance floor as he and his new girlfriend swayed in time with the music thumping away from the speakers. She stared at him having the time of his life, but didn't heed his advice. She really didn't want to dance at that moment.

Nikka looked down at the now half eaten plate of cookies and threw down the one she had in her hand. This was taking her nowhere and just being here without him made her feel less of a person. The moment she found out he was dead was the moment a chunk of her had gone with him to his grave. She'd never be whole again. Not without his gentle kisses and sweet nothings. Nikka was on the verge of tears just thinking about him, but soon the music changed to their song and she couldn't hold them in anymore. She ran out of the room and headed outside through the front door.

'Why!' her mind screamed. 'Why did he have to get into the car completely drunk? Why did I let him? Why did I hand him my keys?'

These were the many unanswered questions that still lingered in her mind even now, three months after the accident. She had been in the passengers seat when they ran through a red light at an intersection and a car slammed into them from his side. Their car crumpled like an accordion from the force. He was killed instantly upon impact while she sustained a concussion, a broken arm, and a bruised knee. Everyone told her she was lucky, but she wasn't. The best part of her had died in that accident.

"Darren!" Nikka cried in the cold, frost air outside. She dropped to her knees, sobbing. Her shoulders shook when her hands touched the fresh white snow on the ground. With the back of one of them, she wiped the tears away and looked at it. It was cold, like her heart, and became wet when she held it for too long. She flopped it between both hands, crumpled it into a hard little ball, and hurled it across the driveway with as much force as she could possibly exert on such a little object. She knew she had the strength to smash it against the ground. She threw baseballs almost as fast as men in the big leagues. Her top throw had been almost 90 mph. The snowball landed on the cement, but didn't burst. She stood up and headed towards it somewhat perplexed by how it hadn't exploded into a thousand pieces. 

Nikka picked up the little snowball in her hands and rolled it around again. It was as hard as ice, maybe harder. The water she had created by rolling it around in her hands had created a barrier around it, one that had kept it from shattering on the ground when she threw it. 'If only the car had been made out of something so strong,' she thought to herself.

"If only," Nikka said as she let the snowball slowly drop out of her hand. It landed on the ground and broke in half. A wayward smile appeared across her face. "Yeah, if only," she repeated as she walked back into the house where the party was in full swing.

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